According to Barna Group, approximately “a quarter of practicing Christians know someone they can’t or won’t forgive.”[1] Forgiveness can be confusing, especially in how it relates to reconciliation. For example, How do we know if we’ve forgiven someone? And, if we forgive, do we have to reconcile?
Several years ago, I read through Ralph Keyes’ collection of writings of Sons on Fathers where he reflects on the frustration many children feel over the distance in their relationship to their fathers. I found it interesting that the common thread running through the stories was the almost excruciating need to understand, forgive, and reconcile. Keyes’ separation of these three concepts—understand, forgive, and reconcile—is very insightful:
- Understand—What we can do ourselves without the help of the offender or abuser.
- Forgive—What we, with God’s help, can do without the help or participation of the offender or abuser.
- Reconcile—What we can’t do ourselves. Unlike understanding and forgiveness, it requires cooperation and change on the part of the other person.
So how does Scripture delineate the differences between understanding, forgiving, and reconciling? In quoting Jesus, Dr. Luke (the gospel writer most known for his nuance and “orderly accounts”) writes: “Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him…” (Luke 17:3, ESV)
Although this passage is talking about the basics of following Jesus in shared community, it’s important to note the timing of offering forgiveness and reconciliation. Here Luke adds the phrase “if they repent” to the command to forgive frequently.[2]
The late J.C. Ryle notes that:
This expression is remarkable. It doubtless cannot mean, that we are not to forgive men unless they do repent. At this rate there would be much bitterness kept alive. But it does mean that when there is no repentance or regret for an injury done, there can be no renewal of cordial friendship, or complete reconciliation between man and man.[3]
At first glance, it might appear that Dr. Luke views forgiveness as almost synonymous with reconciliation or reunion. But the requirement “if they repent” creates an important distinction, and gives some biblical foundation for the wisdom offered by the late Lewis Smedes:
When a person close to us wrongs us, he throws up two obstacles between us. One of the obstacles is our sense of having been violated, which produces our anger, our hostility, our resentment. This is the obstacle that our forgiving removes. But only the person who wronged us can remove the other obstacle. And he can remove it only by repentance and, if need be, restitution.[4]
The parable of the prodigal or two sons in Luke 15 illustrates the principles and process vividly. We see that the son would not have known the father’s forgiveness unless he came to his senses and returned home. Further, if the father had not been eager to forgive, the son would never have been restored.
We also need to keep in mind that often, especially in the New Testament, forgiveness and reconciliation are combined. Again, this is part of what causes confusion. In other words, forgiveness is often the first step in the reconciliation process—not something separate from reconciliation. And, as Luke 17:3 teaches, if the person who sinned against us is repentant, we should be open to repair the relationship (unless it is unwise and unsafe to do so, as in the case of a child predator). Forgiveness means we are not going to look at a person solely from the perspective of his or her sin against us. Here is a helpful analogy:[5] Think of a particular relationship like a building. A wound or offense (or series of them over several years) destroys, damages, or blows up the building. Forgiveness, then, is like the bulldozer that clears away the rubble left by the previous sin. The old building had become structurally unsafe. A new building or relationship—if there is repentance and if it is safe—can now be constructed through reconciliation.
Here are a few questions that help me evaluate my heart and work toward forgiveness:
- Am I still bitter toward her/him?
- Do I want them to pay more than is appropriate or more than justice requires? Regarding retribution, we need to be careful as forgiveness is not incompatible with justice. For example, being brought to justice and paying for serious crimes against children or the elderly is God-honoring.
- Am I trusting God to be the avenger and vindicator, or am I trying to steer the outcome toward the most punitive end possible?
- Do I wish them well and pray for them?
- Again, when I think of her/him, is it synonymous with how he/she sinned against me?
Remember
Keyes’ three categories: Understanding is always possible. It does not require
the other person(s). Forgiveness is also always possible, with God’s help, and
does not require relationship with or cooperation from the other person(s) who
wronged us. Reconciliation, however, requires repentance and change from all
parties. Moreover, there are some situations where, even if this occurs, it is
still not wise, safe, desirable, or possible to restore relationship. For the
Christian, though, forgiveness is not an option.[6] We
forgive out of obedience to Christ and for the sake of our own healing. As Anne
Lamott well said, “Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting
for the rat to die.”[7]
[1] “Go Figure: June, 2019.” Christianity Today, Volume 63, Number 5 (June 2019): 17.
[2] See also, Luke 17:4.
[3] J.C. Ryle, Expository Thoughts on the Gospels, Vol. 2 (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker, Reprinted 207), 225. Words in bold, mine.
[4] Lewis Smedes, The Art of Forgiveness (New York: Moorings, 1996), 26.
[5] I first heard this analogy from Dr. Jeff Forrey in a doctoral class at Westminster Seminary.
[6] Matthew 6:12-14.
[7] Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith (1999).