As I finish writing this, Pam and I are in Ireland celebrating our 40th Anniversary! In gratitude for this milestone, I prepared two special pieces: one on how we met (last week) and one on my best relationship advice (this week). Since I’ve been writing for public audiences for quite a few years, I’ve combined three different pieces representing three distinct seasons of our marriage. I hope you’ll find something in one or more of them that will bless you in the season you’re in.

Nineteen years ago, on our twentieth wedding anniversary, I wrote a piece for National Fatherhood Initiative called Three Simple Things to Improve Your Marriage.  Here’s that article followed by a few brief thoughts from my 51-year-old self on our 31st anniversary.

From my 40-year-old self, 20 years in:

Theodore Hesburgh, President Emeritus of the University of Notre Dame, said it well: “The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” Strong marriages mean happier families, more secure homes, and hope for all those who doubt the Giver of love and life, and the power of committed love. Here are three simple things to improve your marriage:

1. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Although it’s true that great love can be expressed in small ways, oversights or tasks done too hastily on the part of your spouse are usually not meant as a personal slight. We all have our “hot buttons:” leaving the vacuum out, coffee grounds on the counter, a wet towel not hung up, dirty cloths left on the floor, etc.. Getting continually upset, however, about your spouse’s inattention to things that irritate you can nickel and dime your marriage to death. “Too much conflict and arguing” is one of the three most common reasons for divorce, according to both ex-wives and ex-husbands.[1] Consider this: the next time her stuff is piled on his side of your sinks, instead of the sarcastic remark, graciously choose to move the items aside. If her car is less than tidy, instead of stewing or yelling, kindly choose to clean it out. Besides loving your wife better, actions like these will grow grace, compassion, and patience in you—things that will strengthen all your relationships.
2. Touch base daily in simple ways. Songwriters Steve and Annie Chapman used to sing about the need for “snuggles in days of struggles,” and Stevie Wonder reminds his girl that “I just called to say I love you.” These simple expressions of love through words and touch can do so much to calm, soothe, and restore focus. Sometimes it seems like a serious argument starts out of nowhere (the “small stuff” from #1 unfortunately provides plenty of fodder here), resulting in both you and your wife leaving the house hurt and angry. Here’s something to try: Regardless of whose fault it was, call your wife just to let her know you feel bad about what happened. Although you may need to talk the specific issue out later, remind her that you love her.  Touching base in a simple way like this can bring healing and life to her soul. A quick call, note, text message, email, flowers, cup of tea, etc. can make a huge difference in how a day goes.
3. Make an hour or two of weekly heart-to-heart communication a first priority. Depending on the ages and demands of your kids, this may seem impossible. A weekly or bi-weekly date night is the discipline of many strong marriages; however, it’s not a realistic option for all. Some can’t afford to eat out or pay a babysitter, and some couples may not have access to quality child care. Regardless of your circumstances, it’s important to find something that works for you. You might consider getting up early on a Saturday or Sunday BEFORE the kids get up, or send them to bed early. Or maybe there’s a common day when you can have lunch together at home when the kids aren’t there. Find out what works best for you and your spouse, but don’t compromise on this “debrief” and connection time. The answers to questions like “how are you,” “how are you feeling,” “what’s on your mind this week,” “how have you been sleeping,” etc. have emotions and stories attached to them and often need time to be unpacked. The goal of these weekly times is to stay connected on an emotional level, so don’t clutter this communication with the administrative details of running a household. This is special time to be protected, time to care for each other’s soul and heart, and time that will yield rich dividends in your relationship.

From my 51-year-old self, 31 years in:

On a positive note, #1 above now seems like second nature. More time and a deeper knowing have brought increased patience, empathy, and comfort to our rhythms. I see a negative drift, however, regarding #2 and recommit to being more attentive and kind. Also, and this is interesting: With the empty-nest stage approaching, we now have more free time, but it’s tired time, and we find it easy to drift toward “the same old, same old.” Seeing a need for more rested, heart-to-heart connection, I recommit to being more intentional about 1) protecting a specific weekly time and 2) putting more forethought and effort into making that weekly time special.

Finally, here are some fresh thoughts from my 60-year-old self, 40 years in:

1. Along with the above, rather than judging your difficult emotions, be kind to them. Learn to be curious. For example, rather than telling yourself to stop being anxious, ask, “Why might I be anxious?” Learn to be more attentive to your body’s needs, your triggers and responses to trauma, and what you need in a particular season. Learn to better care for, have patience with, and give yourself grace. Then do the same for your spouse. This order matters, because if you aren’t skilled at being attentive and kind to yourself, it will be harder– if not impossible– to love your spouse well in hard times.  
2. Seize the day. Or as an elder friend of mine often says, “Don’t let the grass grow under your feet.” Every day is always a gift, but that truth becomes more vivid and poignant as you age. Be fiscally responsible and plan for your future, but go back often to those sacred places that give you life. Explore that little town. Take that bucket-list trip. Savor every walk and sunset. Again, every moment is truly a gift, and you never know what you’ll wake up to. 
3. ***Never stop pursuing each other’s heart. Here’s a piece a friend recently sent me that Pam and I found we really needed in this season.

May God use the snapshots above to strengthen you and those you love. Further, as God is the author of love and life, may He use the authenticity and joy associated with healthy marriage to draw us all closer to His heart.

[1] With this Ring: A National Survey on Marriage (National Fatherhood Initiative, 2005), 25. Infidelity and lack of commitment are the two other reasons given.