Last week, I shared a story of how I discovered that some view empathy as a dirty word. There, I made the case for why empathy, rather than being toxic, is one of the foundational virtues of being a good human. But the story was also about how my friend and I, despite feeling like we were on two different planets, decided to stop and listen to each other, asking clarifying questions. In the end, we discovered we had more in common than we thought.

Fast forward to today, and many of us are still talking past each other and, as I discovered recently, I’m still not immune. For example, when I heard that Allie Beth Stuckey’s Toxic Empathy was a national bestseller, my first instinct was the familiar eye roll.

My definitions and experiences kicking in, I quickly judged her book by its cover. Disgusted, I began to rehearse my mantra: Viewing a basic virtue like empathy as toxic produces a distorted humanity. Further, it contributes to a system that cranks out arrogant culture warriors who don’t listen and give little thought to someone’s story. Love and compassion are shoved aside to make room for dehumanization and “owning the libs,” except…

This is not what Stuckey is saying. Although I don’t agree with her on everything, as I tried to be an honest broker and actually listen to her audiobook on a recent trip, she clearly states that “this book isn’t about killing empathy; it’s about submitting our empathy to God’s definitions of love, goodness, and justice.”

In acknowledging that I misjudged Stuckey, I remain undeterred in showing all who will listen that empathy is not a dirty word. But, again, my journey has taught me that empathy needs nuance, as it can be distorted and misunderstood. 

And this brings me to one final, important insight. Although empathy is an essential starting place, it is not a final destination. In other words, empathy by itself is not the be-all and end-all; it is just one vital step on the way to courageous, just, and loving action.

This is something Arthur Brooks articulated well in a recent leadership podcast with Andy Stanley. He asks, “What does it mean to be compassionate?” and gives four steps:

1. Understanding the problem at hand.
2. Feeling the pain of the affected people enough to know why you have to act. [Brooks defines this step as empathy, but notice how it’s just step two out of a four-step process.]
3. Having the capacity and intellect to know what needs to be done.
4. Having the courage to get it done.”

He then offers this brilliant insight:

“Empathy [by itself] will hamstring you… if all you have is the pain of somebody who’s going to be affected, you won’t be able to fire anybody if you need to. You won’t be able to give somebody a hard truth. You won’t be able to say to your spouse, “I don’t like how this is working here. We need to change this.” Honesty is a form of love, and the problem is that if all you have is empathy, then honesty very often falls to the wayside.”